Monday, December 13, 2010

My journey to Motherhood.... still traveling

This is my first blog, and whether anyone reads or not I have decided that I need some type of outlet for my feelings. I think I'll make this a weekly blog with extras only if something super important happens.

My journey does not have a start date. I guess you could say my Husband and I have officially been TTC since we got married. The best day of my life so far 09/12/2009. That was when we decided it was time. But for the 4 years before that we lived together and never did anything to prevent pregnancy. 09/12/2009 commenced a journey that was more than un-pathed wandering. It commenced a journey of research, doctors appointments, peeing on things, checking saliva, checking cervical mucus, charting temperature, and watching the clock. Obsession.

I had know idea how obsessed  I would become.

Lets rewind this journey. Way back. Back to me at 18 years old. This was well before my Husband and Happiness. I had at this point been in an unstable relationship since age 15. At 18 we moved in together and foolishly thought we would be ready to be parents. We threw all caution to the wind. Turns out it didn't matter because after 4 years of daily unprotected sex I was still childless. The relationship ended when I was 22 and I thank God everyday that I did not get pregnant back then. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. But after our relationship ended his new Girlfriend was pregnant. I knew something was wrong with me.

Two years of wild, fun, single life followed and the thought of children were far from my mind. Then I met him... the greatest man I have ever known. The love of my life, the shining star at the end of a troubled path. The thought of Love, Life, Happiness, and a Family entered my heart and mind again. 

We fell crazy in Love and moved in together very quickly. We talked about marriage and babies. We decided to wait a while because I was in school and he was deciding what to do with his many talents. But I also knew something was wrong with me. I didn't know what, but I knew something. So we took a better now than never approach and never prevented pregnancy. Three years later he proposed and the wedding planning began.

I decided at that time, 12/2008, to see a doctor and find out what was wrong with me. I told the doctor about my irregular menstrual cycles (30 to 40 days), I told her about weight gain (120 to 175 in 2 years), I told her about shortness of breath, dizziness, fatigue, and not getting pregnant after years of unprotected sex. She ran blood tests and called me back to her office. PCOS- PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. It had a name. She prescribed me Metformin to combat insulin resistance and told me that Infertility was almost certain. If I ever wanted to become pregnant I would need medical help. I cried, I researched, I found some hope. I had a name, I had a cause, I had a reason for never getting pregnant, and most important I had a starting point when I was ready to really try to get pregnant.

Fast Forward a year. I'm married, oh so happily married. And babies are on my mind. I'm still finishing school but almost done and ready to have babies. I begin to monitor my cycles. Counting days, marking calendars. I start to research and learn. I look at PCOS and why it causes infertility. I become an expert in the female reproductive system. I know all there is to know about hormones, ovulation, and all the puzzle pieces to getting pregnant. I become obsessed to say the least. We try naturally, just timing things for almost a year. It didn't work. I knew it wouldn't.

Now its June 2010 and I'm ready to get serious. I have my degree, He has a good job with insurance that covers Infertility. I go to my OBGYN and ask about fertility and PCOS and what I need to do. They send me for a slew of Blood Tests and tell me to chart my temperature and see if I Ovulate on a somewhat regular basis. Some women with PCOS do not ovulate or have a period. At least I had that. The new blood tests indicate that I am fine, no indication of PCOS. The hormone levels indicated that I did Ovulate, but weak. Probably not of any quality that would result in pregnancy. My temperature chart indicated I ovulated also. Again though, Not Pregnant. I was timing everything perfect. Using Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK's). The info always lined up. OPK's, saliva monitor, cervical mucus, and temp rise. Always Not Pregnant. I was obsessed with finding a way, a reason. Obsessed with symptoms. Am I pregnant? Am I going to ovulate? Obsessed with taking HPT's. Looking through Fertility Friend's chart gallery. Reading about other peoples success. Obsession.

Next was an HSG dye test to see If anything was wrong with my uterus or fallopian tubes and a Semen Analysis for the Hubby. My HSG was fine, nothing wrong. Hubby's sperm is beyond fantastic, above average in every category. It's me. It's all me. I knew it was all along, but now I was certain. Next step Clomid and a visit to a fertility specialist. Still Obsessed. It consumes my life.

I am obsessed beyond any point I ever thought I would be. I am also depressed. Each month I fail to get Pregnant, I feel like a failure as a woman, as a wife. But We are hopeful, We are getting aggressive. My Husband is becoming more and more involved so I feel less alone. But I feel a pain that I cannot describe. An emptiness. I am loving and missing something I have never met. Every time I hear a pregnancy announcement I am jealous and sad. My sister, My sister in law, co workers, class mates. I see people and their babies, I am jealous. I see a woman not appreciating what she had and I'm mad. I have a little hope but in the my heart and head I do not think it will ever happen for me.

I take the Clomid, Round 1...ding ding ding. I Ovulate early. Cycle Day 15! Much better than 19,20, or 21. I meet with the Registered Endocrynologist (RE). He seems hopful that I'll be an easy case. The Ultra Sound scan revealed the Clomid had caused me to ovulate 3 large Eggs. I might get pregnant. If not more blood work and another round of Clomid.

The next week was agonizing. It was Thanksgiving 2010. I was half way through the 2 week wait. My husbands family asked about the doctors appointments. I shared with his cousin who misconstrued the info and shared with everyone. Now his dad and aunt think I'm pregnant when I'm not. It's bad enough having to tell my Husband I'm not pregnant but now I'm supposed to tell everyone. I guess I should have known better than to share my thoughts with people who don't understand.

Defeated. I lost. I am NOT PREGNANT! Clomid Round 2- 9 viles of blood drawn. Another prescription of Clomid filled. It is now today. I am CD 9, round 2 of Clomid. Waiting. OPK's ready, temps taken. Waiting to see what the new blood work says and what 2011 has in store for us. Do I have PCOS? Was the last doctor wrong? She didn't get half the blood tests done that the new RE did. Waiting.

I imagine I will be peeing on a HTP around New Years. If I fail again 2011 will be even more aggressive. If God fills my arms with a baby then 2011 will be the best year of our lives. Only time will tell.

Thanks for reading, more to come.